Thank you Dr. Tiller

I was working on writing something descriptive, meaningful, about a man I feel honoured to have known.  Something poignet about his assassination one Sunday morning while at church.  But everything I wrote seemed pretentious which Dr. Tiller was not.  So this is what I have...

Thank you Dr. Tiller for listening to and respecting the families that you inherited from your father.

Thank you Dr. Tiller for knowing that women have needed and always will need access to safe abortion.

Thank you Dr. Tiller for trusting women.

Thank you Dr. Tiller for not abandoning the women in greatest need.

You are loved and you are missed.

Thank you.

Winning the lottery - the first post

For years I've kept a running list in my head of what I would do if I won the lottery.  This is beyond the regular pay off debts, set up college funds, update cars/house, etc.  I've probably had a dozen ideas over the years, but have not written them down any place so have promptly forgotten all but two.  Seemed like an excellent topic for a blog post that I could add to as new ideas developed so.....

By Robert Couse-Baker on Flikr

1. Start my own political party.  At least that was my plan when I first came up with this idea probably a decade ago.  However the legal climate has changed so I may look into a SuperPAC instead.  Not sure exactly how I would define all major issues at this point, but I do know it would libertarian on all social issues.  The paternalism of both major political parties is a source of annoyance and occasionally fear for me.

2. Launch a breastfeeding marketing campaign.  I know exactly what I want it to look like. I want to juxtapose images of the inconvenience of long-term formula feeding with the ease of breastfeeding (once you get past the learning curve).  So I picture something like a parent waking to a fussing baby in the middle of the night who stumbles downstairs to make-up the formula then back up to feed a now almost hysterical baby and the next scene is a fussing baby whose mom reaches over to pick him up from the co-sleeper and then snuggles into a nursing session without hardly moving.  Another might be a family stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire - crying baby empty bottle and then the same scene with a baby happily nursing.  I'm sure that you all could come up with a number of other ideas.  All of these would be followed with a tagline that was something to the effect "Breastfeeding... mom deserves it" following up by one of the abysmal stats on the education that the standard HCP get with regards to breastfeeding and urging mothers to insist that they get proper lactation support.

3.  This is one I came up with a couple of weeks ago.  I would set aside a fund that I would use twice a year during my local NPR station pledge drive.  On opening day I would call them and ask how much it would take to finish this thing off right now and then give them the money.  I'm really looking forward to putting that into action!

Of course all of these will be a bit difficult seeing that I don't really buy lottery tickets.  As a family we pass them around during the winter holidays buying them for each other, but usually only the scratch kind that wouldn't offer the kinds of funds needed for my plans.  Looks like I may have to consider some future investments.... ;-)

What would you do with your winnings?

Play Here Now

Welcome to the September Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how challenging discipline situations can be met with play. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Not too long ago I was having a really bad day. You know, one of those days which starts just a bit off kilter and goes down hill rapidly. I had hopes of getting some work done, tackling some home improvement projects, essentially have a satisfying, productive day. Instead everything took longer than I had planned, I ended up at my job much longer than I had expected, other family members were equally unproductive and it topped off with an interruption by a pushy door-to-door salesperson just as I was making dinner (oh and when she rang the doorbell I turned on the wrong burner and nearly set the house on fire). By the time our salesperson left I was quite literally in tears and just wanted to hide for the rest of the day.

Except that wasn't really what I wanted. What I wanted was my day back. I wanted to be able to be able to lay my head down at night and be content with where I stood. As I took a few breaths and attempted to get some level of composure I knew what I needed - I needed to let go of the expectations of productivity and do a little "be here now"ing. My zen exercise is play.

It is hard for me to play. I claim to find it boring, but it would be more honest to say that the "protestant work ethic" and drive for productivity that is an integral part of my learned experience leave me struggling to "waste" that kind of time. As is so often the case, my oldest suffered the most, and at one point when she was 3ish had an imaginary friend who she named "Jessica." My mommy guilty story is that she wanted to play with me, and since I had not accommodated her, she pretended that I did. And as is so often the case with each child and passing years, I have been able to appreciate the opportunity that play provides for truly being in the moment with your child.

A couple of years ago my middle daughter was in a play and at that time was young enough that I wasn't comfortable just dropping her off at rehearsals. This meant that 3-4 times a week I would be sitting on the floor off to the side of the rehearsal space with the youngest who was then a bit over a year. Old enough that I couldn't just sit and nurse her and young enough that she needed my constant attention in this non baby-friendly space. So for those hours I couldn't read or knit or do laundry or anything else "productive" - I had to focus entirely on my baby. The universe certainly knows what lessons we need.

So back to my bad day... As I was finishing up cleaning the kitchen I called in the oldest boy and asked if he wanted to play Othello. Not to turn away from a chance to beat his mom he said of course and grabbed the game. Shortly in we were joined by the 2 of the 3 other kids who were at home as well as my husband. After I lost the game (though only by 4!) dad and daughter played and by the end of it everyone was feeling more relaxed and in touch with each other.

Play is a way to connect. It is often less intense than cuddling or conversation so can be particularly useful when there is internal and/or external tension. It is a way to cross ages and often interests. It is a shared experience that has the potential to be universally accessible. And while I also continue to value and nurture my children's ability to play without me (benign neglect and all), I want to remember to play more.

Daily Mantra....
Play Here Now
 

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• On being a more playful parent — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares how the Playful Parenting book impacted her.
• Parenting a toddler through play — Alicia at I Found My Feet lists some examples of how she uses play to parent through everyday tasks and challenges.
• Splashing in Puddles — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how she learned to get dirty and have fun with her little boy.
• Say Please — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life explains how they taught their son manners by "play," showing that actions speak louder than words.
• No Nanny Needed — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life wishes parenting through play was her only responsibility during the day.
• I'll Run Away With Gypsies — Nikalee at Spotted Pandemonium maneuvers physical and emotional obstacles while spinning playful tales, jumping through hoops, and inspiring the kids to clean the living room.
• A Promise To My Daughter — Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure writes a poem for her daughter promising to use play instead of anger when facing difficult situations.
• Parenting Through Play — Not Always Easy But Always Rewarding — Amy at Peace4Parents discusses how play hasn't always come easily to her, the power of appreciative observation, and how her family learns together through play.
• Imagination Plays a Role in Our Parenting — Tree at Mom Grooves shares how parents can use play to set the foundation for communication and understanding.
• A Box of Crayons — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction talks about how a simple box of crayons has become a wonderful parenting and teaching tool.
• The Essential Art of Play — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her favorite lessons available for young ones through play.
• The Art of Distraction — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a list of distracting alternatives to harsh punishments in tough parenting situations.
• Grace and Courtesy Games at Home or School — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has ideas for grace and courtesy games that help you encourage courteous behavior without reprimanding your child.
• I am woman, hear me roar! — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares how one simple sound can diffuse an argument in an instant.
• Getting Cooperation Through Play — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about respecting the worldview of a preschooler by using play to encourage connection and cooperation.
• Playful Parenting = Extra Energy?? — Momma Jorje didn't think she had the energy for playful parenting. See what she was surprised to learn…
• Dance Party Parenting — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen learned how to be the parent her children need through play.
• Wrestling Saved My Life — Wrestling is as vital to her son's well-being as babywearing once was, finds Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• Parenting through play — By playing with her children, Tara from MUMmedia is given amazing opportunites to teach, train and equip her children for life.
• Parenting Through Play Starts in Infancy — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Issa from LoveLiveGrow shares that though she only has a 3-month-old, playful parenting has already started.
• Play Before Sleep — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how playing and singing with her son before he falls asleep helps calm her frustrations that tend to arise at night.

• Playful Parenting — Or 5 Lessons My Son Has Taught Me About Parenting Through Play — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama has learned to be a better parent by following her toddler's lead in play.
• Hurry up! Hurry up! I mean it! Quack, quack, quack! — Kellie at Our Mindful Life leads a trail of ducklings
• On the Road: Learning to Play — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers her inner adult through a summer of playing with her children.
• Preventing Tantrums Through Play — Gaby at Tmuffin explains how she keeps her household happy by not taking things too seriously.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play — Lily, aka Witch Mom, redirects unwanted behavior in a toddler using games and play.
• Exaggerating for effect — Lauren at Hobo Mama has learned how to ham it up.
• Handling Big Emotions with Role Playing — Zoie at TouchstoneZ plays at tempering her parental frustrations while helping her children handle some big emotions
• How To Herd Toddlers by Talking Pictorially — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama demonstrates how talking in pictures is a playful way to engage your young child in transitioning from one activity to the next.
• Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want…Playfully — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how a game of hide-and-seek can be used to steer a wandering toddler in the direction of her choosing.
• Playful Parenting: Chores That Do Themselves — Remember chores when you were a kid? If chores were this fun for Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey, she wouldn't have needed any reminders!
• Clown School Express: Playing away Fears — MudpieMama describes how she helped her boys confront their fears about starting kindergarten by playing with trains.
• Practicing Playful Parenting — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle realizes that playfulness is the best way through the day and seeks more ways to practice it.
• Today, Tomorrow and Every Day — Starr at Taking Time addresses her children in a letter sharing with them how improtant it is that they spend their childhood playing.
• Learning Through Immersion — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares how she helps her daughter develop naturally without focusing on teaching, but rather by immersing her in their family's way of life and making her an active part of her environment.
• Play Here Now — Jessica at Instead of Institutions learns and relearns and tries to remember the value of play.
• Play: A Wonderful Parenting Tool — Mamapoekie from Authentic Parenting offers a list of examples on how to use play in real-life parenting situations.
• Playful Parenting — a Book Review — Erica at ChildOrganics shares simple yet sage advice from Dr. Cohen on how play can change your child's life.
• Mock Threats: Turning Real Frustration into Playful Parenting — Threatening is not an effective discipline strategy, but Dionna at Code Name: Mama explains how parents can turn their frustration into playful moments by making "mock threats."
• I'm Sick of Yelling — I Want to Play — Alicia at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts realizes she needs to change the way she's parenting and is forming a new plan.
• Sing-along, Brush-along Songs — Shana at Tales of Minor Interest shares a few songs to make brushing her three-year-old's teeth more fun.
• Monster Voice — Ever have those frustrating moments with your kid(s) when you just want to scream? Amy at Anktangle shares a silly strategy for getting through those difficult times.

Learning to read

I decided to repost my contribution to a thread on a local homeschool board.  It is an issue important to many young or new homeschooling families:


As .... alluded to, there is a school of thought (supported both by research and anecdotal reports) that reading is primarily a developmental task and that many a diagnosis of "dyslexia" is actually when we attempt to push the brain to go beyond its capabilities at any given time.  Imagine diagnosing all of our 9 month olds who weren't pulling up and cruising with paraparesis.

 Phil and Pam on Flickr

On the personal side I have had children reading at 4, 12, and 8.  Child number 3 was reading before child number 2 - I've known this to happen in other families.  The child who read at 12 is not one of those who picked it up and was at grade level in 3 months like many, it continues to be a difficult task for him.  However.... he is willing to do it, he looks forward to the day when it becomes easier and novel reading is enjoyable, he is "well read" thanks to audio books, and his self-esteem and image of himself as a learner has zero relation to has natural ability is this one particular skill.  He is also functional and was actually functional prior to the point that I would have described him as "reading".  Frankly given the benefits we have incurred by allowing the natural progression, even if reading is never a relaxing past time for him I am fine with that.  As a special education teacher I saw the lives of far too many children sacrificed on the alter of an externally imposed reading time line.


A couple of links.... this is a site of stories of learning to read in various ways at various ages (Think of it as _How Weaning Happens_) http://sandradodd.com/reading.  I will say that Sandra Dodd rubs me totally the wrong way, but don't let that deter you from the useful stuff she has on her site.  These are a couple of academic researchers who have decided to focus on unschooling families http://www.lifelearningmagazine.com/0904/Alan_Thomas.htm.  There is also some good stuff in the work of Raymond and Dorothy Moore (_Better Late than Early_, etc).

In the end it has helped me to think of it a bit like potty learning.  I can spend months or years in a miserable battle with a kid that just isn't ready or I can watch their developmental timeline and avoid the headaches and potential long-term (and life-long) fall-out of a less than positive experience.

ps - this is absolutely not to dismiss observations of different learning styles. Just like with potty learning, weaning, crawling, etc there are different motivations and strategies that work better for all of us.

When gender binary is just easier and what can we do about it?

Marley is nearly four.  And like most of my other kids when they were around that age she has a fascination with sorting things.  She takes the shapes out of her pattern block set and piles them up: circles, squares, rectangles, triangles, ovals.  She take food out of her play kitchen and lines it up along the floor: produce, cartons, meat products.  She also has a fascination with taking about body parts: how we poop, can we cut our hair.  Bringing the two together we end up having a lot of discussion about the genitals of various folks.  Marley has a vagina like mom and [naming her brothers and various friends] have a penis.  Like any good three year old this must be followed by "why?". It is in these moments that I long for the days 14 yrs ago when my oldest was this age and I just didn't think about such things because then, the answer was easy. "Why? It is because boys have a penis and girls have a vagina". That's it, end of story.

By Debs (ò‿ó)♪ on Flickr

But we know that isn't it.  First we have to consider the fact that regardless of the fact that they are often conflated gender (boy, girl) and sex (male, female) are NOT THE SAME THING. Gender is a social construct, sex is a biological one - and there isn't just two of either one. I'm not going to go into listing and discussing the various labels that are currently being used because frankly I don't know enough about it, but I do know enough to know that I could easily end up giving out-of-date or offensive information so it's best to just not go there.  For the purposes of my life with my children I am most concerned with marginalizing those with assorted gender variant experiences.

It is difficult though, because brains at this age aren't designed to handle nuance. They feel most comfortable with "the sky is blue" not "the sky is sometimes blue, sometimes purple, sometimes green, and sometimes black. Really it depends on the air quality and diffusion of light through the atmosphere.  I think it might have something to do with the weather patterns too." Most kids stopped listening five words in and are happily skipping off with their answer to the next thing.  And for the simple answer to the simple question of "why?" I've satisfied Marley and myself with "Well some people have a penis and some people have a vagina. And there are a few people who have something a bit different." It is almost short enough to hold her attention and it satisfies my need for honesty.  It also hints at the "more" out there which I think is essential when giving simple answers to ultimately complex questions - because if they don't know there is a "more" then when they are ready for it, they won't know to go looking.  For me, leaving gendering concepts out all-together is easiest at this point.  Later we can talk about how a person's genitals relate to their social experience.

Is this something that you consider when having these discussion with your children?  If you do (or are wondering about it now) how do you incorporate all of our wonderful diversity?

Why the vaccine "debate" will never be settled

In the August 2011 edition of The Costco Connection there appeared an article promoting various vaccines for adults.  You can read the entire article here.

I just emailed the following letter to the editor:

If medical and public health vaccine advocates want to know why they do not hold any credibility with those of us who question the current vaccine protocol they need to look no further than the quote credited to Dr. Raymond A. Strikas in the August 2011 edition of the Costco Connection.  In the article Dr. Strikas is quoted as say "If you've lost your [immunization] records and are unsure about whether you were vaccinated as a child, there is no harm in getting revaccinated as an adult,".  This is patently false.  Every time a person is vaccinated they are exposed to the possibility of adverse reactions to that vaccine.  Looking at the package inserts of some of the most common vaccines these potential adverse reaction include encephalitis and encephalopathy, chronic joint symptoms, or aseptic meningitis - all of which are listed as reported adverse reactions by the manufacturers for various measles, mumps, rubella and chicken pox vaccines. While all of these events are quite rare, it is cheap and easy to run a titer to see if a person is already immune to the disease for which the vaccine is suggested.  Why take the risk of any adverse reaction, even a minor one, if it can be clinically determined that a person is immune?

If Dr. Strikas or others would like to discuss the relative risks versus benefits (personal and public) of various vaccinations that is a conversation worthy of consideration.  But I would ask that neither he nor The Costco Connection insult my intelligence by arguing that vaccines are risk-free.

I would love to hear your thoughts.....

Wordless Wednesday